Omegle

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Hello fellow social survivors! Today it will be my pleasure to speak of the horrors and innermost anguish that comes with exploring the depths of the worst of our communal bogs. Omegle is a popular place on the internet where many people come to sludge through the wet permeating bug shit of humanity to converse with a rare few others who are worthy of giving precious attention to. People come to this place to have deep meaningful conversations, to troll the ever loving fillings out of randoms or to advance episodic and anonymous imaginary sexual relationships. All in all, what you’re doing on here is killing time by drowning it in the Omegle bog. The reasons why a sane person should come to this estranged website is to either:

a)Collect evidence in an argument about the progression of human stupidity.

b)Gain delight in knowing that you are definitely above average when it comes to typing ability.

c)Have humorous one-sided trolling accounts to share with friends.

The best gains comes from option C. Due to the fact that Youtube comments happen to provide overwhelming evidence for both options with A and B without repercussions such as banning, this is a haven for those who wish to blast people with high-octane detonations of anti-social commentary ‘for the lulz’.

I have attempted a breakdown of many splenetic species located within Omegle. Some are harmless, some seek out your harm, while all will cause you anguish unless you find some kind of coping mechanism such as alcoholism or injecting heroin/vitamin D into your pupils. Trolling is an essential part of coping with the horrible world. Since I deem lashing out at the zymotic shit stew as an acceptable measure I will provide reviews on the attempts to Troll these various species.

I only socialized using text chatting. Why? It’s because I prefer not to look at the sea of dicks that comes splashing into my eyes. The stinging is ungainly and the girlish squick screams are entirely ungentlemanly. Also, I don’t have a webcam.

A lot of these types of creatures cross over. I will be providing examples that I reckon correspond best to certain types.

Without further adieu, I present the various species of Omegle – from most common to most rare!

Generics:
What exactly is it?
The generics are just that, generic. These are the most typical kind of life form you will encounter on your journeys in the cursed landscape of Omegle. They possess the blandness of a stale biscuit along with the character of one of Stephanie Myers abomination sues. They start 95% of their conversations with the lowercase ‘hi’ and/or drop a lowercase ‘asl’ asking for your Age, Sex and Location.

Telltale syntax:
-Simple minded
-Typically absent grammar
-Inconsistent grammar
-Inability to spell their home country unless it’s abbreviated

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
Trolling generics typically yields the expected disconnect. Sometimes the reply ‘wtf’ or ‘your weird’ summons a standard trolling nutrient. Most of the trolling will require effort on your part to say absolutely insane things to a random person on the internet and to enjoy their rushed disconnects.

Comparatively, they are most like:

Zubats with computers


Bots:
What exactly is it?
Bots are typical spam bots that have found their way onto Omegle. They appear at regular intervals telling you to go onto the new ‘sexy’ Omegle or some other clone website used to fool the generics into giving away their social security numbers and bank details. Bots are easily dismissed and are pretty simple to escape. You will encounter them without a doubt on your adventures.

Telltale syntax:
-Instantaneous message yielding a link to somewhere horrible and full of viruses
-Programmed conversation that leads to a strange link

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
Zero. They are unable to reply and only serve as practice dummies. This is stupid, as there are plenty of live practice dummies in the form of the Generics.

Comparatively, they are most like:

Con-man Clank


Cybersexers:
What exactly is it?
Cybersexers are people who go onto Omegle in order to have a good time. And by good time, I mean literary erotic sexual escapades. Typically they’ll form a far-fetched and poorly-written narrative in order to help themselves move along with their sordid sexual fantasies until someone gets off (figuratively and/or literally). These souls are blatantly tragic as it seems they haven’t discovered what exactly ‘porn’ is, and upon inquiry, they wonder whether it is the awesome form of pork and popcorn.

Telltale syntax:
-Straight up asking your gender and skipping the ‘Hello’ part of conversation
-They tell you how horny they are
- Bringing up the topic of sexual preference
-Mentioning of dick size
-Having off-hand remarks about how completely naked they are
-Spelling ‘come’ as ‘cum’

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
There can be a lot had for the avid Troll. Here you can set someone up by pretending to be a different gender before or after the sexual games begin. Knowing that you are the result of their immense turn off the pleasure will be all yours. Typically I like to play along and throw in particularly strange euphemisms in order to freak the other person out.

Comparatively, they are most like:

Word erotica.


Unable to Operate:
What exactly is it?
UTOs are people who can’t comprehend the most simple of English concepts as well as how to use the keyboard properly. This applies to people who never paid attention in class , foreign people who have just started their English lessons, old people tryin’ ta’ figure ‘em innanets out or old foreign people who never pay attention. Why go on an English website with poor English writing abilities where communicating coherently and swiftly is a key factor of the experience? Learn before you burn, dumbasses.

Telltale syntax:
-Abundant spelling mistakes
-Asking you to explain very simple concepts
-Asking you to explain every single abbreviated phrase
-They disconnect when you use big words
-Slowest replies imaginable

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
Very little to mediocre. Why bother trying to mess with someone when they can barely understand half the things you say? You could probably get a morsel of troll gold out of it but it will mostly be empty. Even if they can read the language pretty well, chances are their typing speed will border on infuriating.

Comparatively, they are most like:

Old dumb turtles who can't type properly because of their flippers


ICDC:
What exactly is it?
The ICDC is when a person disconnects you sporadically and often leaves without any legitimate reasons. Typically, these aloof and fickle creatures tend to zip out of conversation the moment you try to speak to them or sometimes after the ‘hello’ part. They have to be either bored telepathics that can read your mind through the internet in an instant or maybe they are just dumb children happily clicking the disconnect button over and over to make all the words come and go.

Telltale syntax:
“Your conversational partner has disconnected.”

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
None. An ICDC can only be identified after it has disconnected. They are impossible to troll.

Comparatively, they are most like:

A legendary Pokemon that flees not only battles, but conversation


The Nothings:
What exactly is it?
The Nothings are people who just cease to exist before or during conversation. They are the ghostly apparitions of possible Strangers but never type a single message back to you. They either never type to you, or they just stop talking during conversation. It is strange that they never type to you because the only way someone can find a Stranger on Omegle is to manually hit a few buttons. There is no automatic chat jumping function unless you are a bot or haxxorz.

Telltale syntax:
“                         “

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
None, unless you manage to say something particularly witty about their absence and copy’n paste it into another conversation for the laughs. But all in all, you can’t troll what doesn’t exist.

Comparatively, they are most like:

Charlie Sheen’s dignity aka Nothing


Bigoted Asshole:
What exactly is it?
The Bigoted Asshole is exactly that. They possess beliefs that are unconventional, irrational to the point of infuriation and are unwilling to listen to any points that you raise. This is a tricky definition as a bigoted asshole has to completely dismiss your argument and make hypocritical statements back that somehow justify their belief system without ever attempting to weigh the facts.

Telltale syntax:
-Unending swears
-Racial slurs, use of cliché`s
-Empty threats about how they will find you and kill you
-Dismisses all hypocritical statements

Example of content:

I never did get to find any actual imagecaps for your entertainment, but I'll provide an excerpt I have saved from a previous conversation. I might find a screen cap at a later date!

Act 2 scene 2
Enter You and Stranger

You: I am a lawyer

You: What are you?

Stranger: Suck my dick

You: YES

You: I mean

You: Wait

You: There's money involved, right?

Stranger: You better not be gay

You: Because that is wha-

You: The fuck

You: You tell me to suck your dick

You: Then goddamn go all homophobic on me

You: SON

You: I AM SO

You: DISAPPOINTED

Stranger: Dude

Stranger: I was expecting a chick

You: Well

You: Keep looking, brotha

Stranger: You better not be black too

You: ...

You: Shit

You: SHIT

You: SHIIIIIIIIT

You: And I can't enrage you further

Stranger: Ayt ayt

You: A'ight

You: Any hole's a goal

Stranger: That's so gay

You: Dude

You: It's so awesome

Stranger: I knew it you are gay!

Stranger: I'm so pissed right now

You: Yessssssss

Stranger: I hate you!

You: MISSION: SUCCESS

You: SUCCESS

You: And by success

You: I mean GAY

You: GAYYYYYYYY

Stranger: I'm gonna burn your house

You: That's so awesome

You: I could use the insurance money to buy a better and bigger house

Stranger: You're freaking black too aren't you???

You: ;D

Stranger: You asshole!!

You: Asshole schmasshole

You: ....

You: MASSHOLE

You: ITS A HOLE

You: THEREFORE

You: A GOAL

Stranger: Ima kill you!!

You: Rarrr!

Stranger: You have a dildo stuck up your ass ryt now don't you?

You: Sadly no

You: If I did I wouldn't be on here looking for gay people to virtually wank with

You: Forever

You: Into infinity

You: And ever

You: I'm also Muslim, btw

Stranger: I just punched my sister in the face ryt now cuz I got so pissed

You: Why'd you stop?

You: Usually you continue punching her

You: Forever

You: into infinity

You: And ever

Stranger: Freaking racist! Theres nothing wrong being muslim!

You: And there's nothing wrong with gays!

You: And blacks!

You: DAW

You: REFUTED

You: YOU HAVE BEEN

You: REFOOOOOOOOTED

Stranger: There is!!!

Stranger: They should die !!

You: REFAWDWATAWTEED

Stranger: You should die!

You: Also Muslims aren't a race

You: That's like calling the Jews or Christinas a race

You: It's a belief, a doctrine of religious teachings

You: Goddamn

You: YOU'RE THE CLOSET RACIST

You: Come out of the closet

Stranger: Screw you! I will not be educated by a black gay asshole!

You: Who is muslim

You: With a hypothetical dildo

You: Inserted

You: Within

You: My pulsating rectum

You: Forever

Stranger: WTF!!!

You: I win again!

Stranger: You're messed up dude!

You: Dude

Stranger: Get checked up!!

You: You thought muslims were a race

You: You SUGGESTED the fact I had the dildo up my arse

You: And you belief certain types of people need to die

You: You know who I think you are

You: Osama Bin HITLER

Stranger: Suck my dick you asshole!

You: That's a gay remark

You: You do realize that

You: So gay

This keeps on going on and on forever. I am so giddy with laughter and superiority that I keep on making typos.

Exeunt

Trolling gain:
This is a spicy banquet for the delighted troll. The Bigoted Asshole’s rage will keep them arguing blindly and making more and more hypocritical and batshit crazy statements that the calm and chuckling troll can easily pick apart and add more gasoline to the fire. This situation will continue until one party gets bored. However, the experience will leave the troll superior.

Comparatively, they are most like:

Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


Multifarious Troll:
What exactly is it?
This is someone who is on Omegle to mess with other people without breaking their character. They are here for fun and will remain in conversation with someone who is either being led into a troll trap or when they encounter another person trolling. When two trolls meet they will either leave to find other suckers or have the most insane conversation in history. If you try to flow into a decent conversation with them your attempt will be futile. Chances are they’ll either continue with their rampant firebreath or you will be horribly betrayed later when they scream “YOU’RE BEING DISCONNECTED, ASSHOLE”

Telltale syntax:
-Insane troll logic
-Attacking beliefs
-Being sexually depraved
-The use of various internet memes
-Bad grammar but with intelligence behind it
-Good grammar with damaged sanity behind it

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
There is a chance that the insane conversation will provide some chuckling due to the absurdity of the nature but most likely no gain unless one of the trolls is a vastly more skillful troll. Ever heard the term ‘Trolls trolling trolls’?

Comparatively, they are most like:

Awesome fucking awesome troll being fucking awesome fuck fuck~


An Intelligent Being:
What exactly is it?
Should you encounter an AIB you will have a miraculous conversation. You will be talking to one of the few sane people on Omegle. You and this other would have possibly traveled and trialed through the sludge that is the Omegle communities in order to finally have fate bring you two together. You will discuss the silliness of the generics, the harshness of the trolls and the dumbness of the dumbasses. It will be a warm, welcoming and long conversation. Your hate finally reaches the catharsis: this is the conversation you’ve been looking for.

Telltale syntax:
-Pleasurable use of capitals
-Discussion of proper grammar and spelling
-Discussion of intellectual status which is that above all other said Omegle demographics
-Natural transgression of conversation into detailing age, sex and location
-Bliss

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
If you have been randomly trolling, this is the type of person who would stick to you. This is the type that will brave your psycho-blabberings in order to have a decent conversation with someone. More often than not you will accede your webpage rampage in order to experience this sacred moment in time and space – the moment where you meet someone as intelligent, coherent, frustrated and longing as you. Trolling this type of person, unless masterfully, will leave one hollow. The search for intelligence will begin again right after the disconnection. You will value the next coherent person you encounter after that.

Comparatively, they are most like:

An indescribable and inconceivable miracle


Closing thoughts:

Omegle is truly a pretty rancid place to go to. The rewards are in direct disproportion to the amount of clicking needed to disconnect over and over until the holy grail of conversations dawn onto you. Friends will be little and far between and by god, I have restrained myself with the Pokémon references. Also, I love how Word recognizes Pokémon as a word.

All in all, go on Omegle if you dare. You may encounter me and my horrible blitherings – or a like-minded soul. But know, deep down, we are on the search for beauty in a chaotically primeval whirlwind of communication.

Also I didn't say 'goddamn' once! Amazing!

Fare well