The Horror of the Public Toilet

If there is one thing I fear and simultaneously loathe more than an obscure reference to a movie I haven’t seen it is the average public toilet. Public toilets are one of the worst social places you can ever find yourself in, because you’d be standing within the bowl of a filthy fucking toilet. It is within these dens of evil that the shadiest of characters appear in an effort to make you feel uncomfortable. And that sense of the uncomfortable is the enemy, my friends. Not only do the people you find yourself encountering within these domains of dread pose as a challenge to your integrity as a sane person, but also the toilets themselves seem to be out to get you.

A toilet in its natural habitat feasts on human flesh

 “So what?” says the average average-public-toilet user. “They don’t own us.  We own them. For god’s sake, we shit and piss into their gaping maw and force them to swallow our mess down their gurgling throats”. But that’s where this demographic is completely and utterly wrong to such a degree that I am forced to flaunt my ability to type things in italics.

You ignorant little shit, let me enlighten you

All of toilet-kind has been trying to fuck humanities shit up since their invention and not just flush it down. Do not even try to argue back that they are inanimate and poor-celain vessels of a greater cause to help poorly timed digestive systems everywhere. These are war machines designed by demon-daVinci and endorsed by the Dr Kevorkian ethics committee.

 A family does their yearly sacrifice to Emperor Flushington

According to Wikipedia article toilets have been trying to wipe out humanity at many consistent intervals. For one, toilets can and will forge an alliance with all sorts of deathslick venomspiders in an effort to murder you while you do your business. Outhouses? Pfft. More like Slaughterhouses. If you ever found yourself having a need to relieve yourself in the country you’d learn very quickly about the eight-legged nightmares waiting for you under the seat. Toilets also have the ability to lead you into hypnosis-induced injury. There was also one famous account in the Wikipedia article of a toilet-related massacre (where the killing was done by toilets!). And also some kings died too. Talk about a royal flush.

 The toilet-based puns will never stop

“King Wenceslaus III of Bohemia was on August 4, 1306 murdered by spear while sitting in the garderobe.”

Holy shit. Where did that toilet get that spear from to murder 1306 people!? Are you taking notes on this? Get a fucking pen. 

 

“George II of Great Britain died on the toilet on October 25, 1760 from an aortic dissection.”

Oh my slimy shitting Satan. The toilet did not only slay another king while doing his business, but also made 1760 people bleed from within their hearts until they died slowly and painfully. 

May I also say that Elvis also died on the toilet? The reason why he was pepped up with so many drugs is because he could barely handle going to the toilet anymore. They got him in the end, silencing another voice of hope.

 Most of the time he just held it in

Also, one more fact. According to this website they reveal the statistic that humans spend an average of a year and a half on the toilet. That is eighteen months of your life you will be fighting for. Perpetually. I hope you have brought a fucking gun.

Or better yet -  just take a duke on your next trip

That’s enough about the shadowy, bloody history of toilets and the horrible truths we must face in this Terroreality. I am here to teach you about how to survive any outing into a public toilet. And also how to deal with the ‘public’ aspect.

What of public toilets? -

As I said, all toilets are rather dangerous things. The public toilet manages to trump home toilets because of its lack of familiarity and filthy nature. Perhaps your home bathroom doesn’t have an ever-growing cluster of dead locusts twitching on your tiled floor*. Maybe at home you don’t need to feel anxious when an extroverted stranger is being extroverted about their bowels. It is the comfortable experience of the home toilet – comparatively - that keeps you sane. When push comes to involuntary push, you will usually be crapping yourself at the moment when you have to bite the bullet and venture into the public restroom.

You skimmed this article, DIDN’T YOU?!

 

*Has actually happened to me

Prepare your path -

Don’t get caught with your pants down without a plan. If you regularly venture into familiar territory get to know the common bathrooms. Find the one that is underrated and visited less often, that is regularly cleaned, features amusing graffiti and permeates a smell you can tolerate for at least five minutes. That way at least you know where to go for an almost slightly average experience. Communal toilets are standard fodder but finding you a sparkling single-roomed unisex toilet is a gold mine. It would also be a good idea to learn of where you are able to use the toilet for free in certain bars and stores. If you ever find a place where you need to pay for a permit in those desperate moments you would be irritably cursing yourself if you weren’t already cursed with your irritable excrement system.

 You don’t want to end up in a bathroom like this

Choosing your cell -

I suddenly don’t need to go anymore!

There are always times when you really need to go however. But always, and I repeat: always keep an eye out for premium toilets and other options at least. There is a big difference between holding out for a little longer to stumble upon a disabled toilet (the way you stumble into there will keep people from asking questions) or admitting defeat and settling for that place in a public park with a ‘Free Rape’ sign on the front. The advantage goes to the warrior who picks their battleground.

 Better you go to them than let them come to you

Assessing the asylum -

 Yep. Let’s not use this one shall we?

A quick appraisal of the lavatory that you have entered would no doubt prove invaluable. Look about for a private clean and acceptable area to do your business. The setting can definitely change the nature of the toilet you have entered. A bar half way through their Saturday night would no doubt have at least one toilet full of piss and vomit that only gets fuller with any attempt to flush it. The floor would be mostly wet and sometimes sticky (ew). The male toilets would have half surly half drunk men missing their piss-troughs and never washing their hands. No, really. Every time I’ve gone out no males wash their fucking hands. Whatever happened to basic hygiene? Why haven’t they died from their diseases? Do they think the smell of their dicks on their hands will land them a date better? Whatever the logic is, I am sure to find it heavily laden with flaws and false advice given to them by friends who secretly hate them.

 Fill her bathtub up with weevils

Dealing with Demographics -

There are many types of individuals that you will encounter during your trek into the public restroom. And by a holy fuck, you’re going to hate nine out of every ten of them. Why? Because they’re all trying to conquer the toilet. Even though the typical public toilet seems to be a completely neutral and perceptibly ownerless space it doesn’t stop assholes from trying to mark their territory in some kind of zealous campaign. Instead of going into profiles of who you could encounter I figure I will just list the actual encounters.

1. The Intimi-date

There are times when you enter into the restroom that you instantly regret it. Oh hey, there’s some guy in here carrying around spines. Fresh spines. He looks familiar. You pretend to not notice him. There is also a biker with what you hope is a really big, throbbing, erect gun in his pocket. You really really hope that it is a gun. Everyone present silently watches you walk to the stall. You open the door to go in only to be interrupted by the sight of a dead mule as its limp body tumbles out. It is at this moment which comes as the greatest shock of all. You realize that this is meant to be the female toilets.

What a twist!

 The Intimi-date is any venture into a public toilet that instantly puts you on edge. It could be a rough looking person, a familiar face you’d rather not encounter, the smell of dead things, the demonic circle on the ceiling or the animated shadow that you can only see in the mirror. If the place looks pretty sketchy the best way to avoid the room is to change your objective: fix yourself up in the mirror and walk out after a few seconds. Do not force yourself to dedicate if it is not worth it.

2. Soap Nope

This happens when you walk up to the soap dispenser and there is no soap left. None. And you leave feeling sick. You just used a public toilet. A public toilet. And didn’t wash your hands. How did that happen? Well, chances are there’ll be plentiful globs of liquid soap dribbling down the wall and pooling on the floor. Looks like some dope has been messing with the soap! You have been denied the soap by the collective effort of a bunch of mouth-breathers.

 “I’ll wash my hands with anything”

3. Water Wizardry

Notice those specs of water on the mirror? What about the dampness of the handles? The puddle on the floor? Or at least, you hope all of that is water. Water Wizardry occurs when someone obviously hasn’t dried their hands, or have just flicked them a few times without bothering with paper towels or air-dry. It is also possible for such people to have spilt the water or to be dripping water like at public beach toilets. Although this isn’t directly antagonizing, the fact that there is some kind of liquid everywhere in a fucking toilet really unsettles the bravest of us. 

If the liquid is coloured, all the more reason to avoid it

4. Shit Talking

No one wants to talk to each other in a bathroom. The mind set is there that you are trying to navigate to a private space and to relieve yourself in peace. There are some characters that manage to strike up conversation over the most useless and inane things. The act is known as shit talking – when the talking isn’t necessary. “Oh, I think there’s a skull in the bowl of toilet three” is useful. As is “This is a voting booth and not a toilet. This is your last warning”. However, if someone talks to you while you’re at the urinal, well, grit and bear with it.

“The Jamaican said ‘My name’s Sal, Mon’ – so I ate him."

5. The Artist’s Canvas

Probably one of the worst things to encounter. There are many different kinds of materials for artists to work with in all sorts of environments. The toilet is no exception. Some people, being shameless agents of The Infernal Gross One subject themselves to their urges to scrawl all over the walls with various forms of marker. Sometimes this marker can be excrement.

Yes. It happens. I have heard tales from all over the world. There seems to be two factors that are persistent with these behaviours. The Artist’s Canvas occurs in places that serve vast quantities of alcohol, as well as primary schools. Correlation? Probably. But the tales and experiences either stem from unpleasant primary school memories and alleged cricket matches. One such anecdote comes from a friend who proclaims that, during a cricket match break, he walked into the restroom only to view a wall-encompassing shitcraft. A crudely appropriated expression of the artist. The word ‘Cricket’ written across a large wall, scrawled, entirely, in shit. He walked out.

That concludes this lesson.

Doing the Deed -

Do I even need to speak about this part? I’m sure you’ve practised a bit at home before heading out into the real world. I’m sure you can tough through it and survive. Just... don’t stuff it up.

WHOOPS

Decontaminating the Digits -

Wash your hands, you filthy animal.

Leave the Lavatory -

It’s... over?

It is finally over.

You survived. We... we survived. We lived to tell the tale.

We overcame impossible odds.

You made it in. You survived the cubicruelty of this hellish torment. The auxiliary-aided utmost anguish and agony of the antagonistic anathema aura of this place.

We did what we needed to do. We... you...

You did it all.

You saved us all

I...

I don’t know how to thank you... I guess...

I guess I can give you

This

 SLOPPY MAKEOUTS

Omegle

Protip: Click on pictures to enlarge them!

Hello fellow social survivors! Today it will be my pleasure to speak of the horrors and innermost anguish that comes with exploring the depths of the worst of our communal bogs. Omegle is a popular place on the internet where many people come to sludge through the wet permeating bug shit of humanity to converse with a rare few others who are worthy of giving precious attention to. People come to this place to have deep meaningful conversations, to troll the ever loving fillings out of randoms or to advance episodic and anonymous imaginary sexual relationships. All in all, what you’re doing on here is killing time by drowning it in the Omegle bog. The reasons why a sane person should come to this estranged website is to either:

a)Collect evidence in an argument about the progression of human stupidity.

b)Gain delight in knowing that you are definitely above average when it comes to typing ability.

c)Have humorous one-sided trolling accounts to share with friends.

The best gains comes from option C. Due to the fact that Youtube comments happen to provide overwhelming evidence for both options with A and B without repercussions such as banning, this is a haven for those who wish to blast people with high-octane detonations of anti-social commentary ‘for the lulz’.

I have attempted a breakdown of many splenetic species located within Omegle. Some are harmless, some seek out your harm, while all will cause you anguish unless you find some kind of coping mechanism such as alcoholism or injecting heroin/vitamin D into your pupils. Trolling is an essential part of coping with the horrible world. Since I deem lashing out at the zymotic shit stew as an acceptable measure I will provide reviews on the attempts to Troll these various species.

I only socialized using text chatting. Why? It’s because I prefer not to look at the sea of dicks that comes splashing into my eyes. The stinging is ungainly and the girlish squick screams are entirely ungentlemanly. Also, I don’t have a webcam.

A lot of these types of creatures cross over. I will be providing examples that I reckon correspond best to certain types.

Without further adieu, I present the various species of Omegle – from most common to most rare!

Generics:
What exactly is it?
The generics are just that, generic. These are the most typical kind of life form you will encounter on your journeys in the cursed landscape of Omegle. They possess the blandness of a stale biscuit along with the character of one of Stephanie Myers abomination sues. They start 95% of their conversations with the lowercase ‘hi’ and/or drop a lowercase ‘asl’ asking for your Age, Sex and Location.

Telltale syntax:
-Simple minded
-Typically absent grammar
-Inconsistent grammar
-Inability to spell their home country unless it’s abbreviated

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
Trolling generics typically yields the expected disconnect. Sometimes the reply ‘wtf’ or ‘your weird’ summons a standard trolling nutrient. Most of the trolling will require effort on your part to say absolutely insane things to a random person on the internet and to enjoy their rushed disconnects.

Comparatively, they are most like:

Zubats with computers


Bots:
What exactly is it?
Bots are typical spam bots that have found their way onto Omegle. They appear at regular intervals telling you to go onto the new ‘sexy’ Omegle or some other clone website used to fool the generics into giving away their social security numbers and bank details. Bots are easily dismissed and are pretty simple to escape. You will encounter them without a doubt on your adventures.

Telltale syntax:
-Instantaneous message yielding a link to somewhere horrible and full of viruses
-Programmed conversation that leads to a strange link

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
Zero. They are unable to reply and only serve as practice dummies. This is stupid, as there are plenty of live practice dummies in the form of the Generics.

Comparatively, they are most like:

Con-man Clank


Cybersexers:
What exactly is it?
Cybersexers are people who go onto Omegle in order to have a good time. And by good time, I mean literary erotic sexual escapades. Typically they’ll form a far-fetched and poorly-written narrative in order to help themselves move along with their sordid sexual fantasies until someone gets off (figuratively and/or literally). These souls are blatantly tragic as it seems they haven’t discovered what exactly ‘porn’ is, and upon inquiry, they wonder whether it is the awesome form of pork and popcorn.

Telltale syntax:
-Straight up asking your gender and skipping the ‘Hello’ part of conversation
-They tell you how horny they are
- Bringing up the topic of sexual preference
-Mentioning of dick size
-Having off-hand remarks about how completely naked they are
-Spelling ‘come’ as ‘cum’

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
There can be a lot had for the avid Troll. Here you can set someone up by pretending to be a different gender before or after the sexual games begin. Knowing that you are the result of their immense turn off the pleasure will be all yours. Typically I like to play along and throw in particularly strange euphemisms in order to freak the other person out.

Comparatively, they are most like:

Word erotica.


Unable to Operate:
What exactly is it?
UTOs are people who can’t comprehend the most simple of English concepts as well as how to use the keyboard properly. This applies to people who never paid attention in class , foreign people who have just started their English lessons, old people tryin’ ta’ figure ‘em innanets out or old foreign people who never pay attention. Why go on an English website with poor English writing abilities where communicating coherently and swiftly is a key factor of the experience? Learn before you burn, dumbasses.

Telltale syntax:
-Abundant spelling mistakes
-Asking you to explain very simple concepts
-Asking you to explain every single abbreviated phrase
-They disconnect when you use big words
-Slowest replies imaginable

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
Very little to mediocre. Why bother trying to mess with someone when they can barely understand half the things you say? You could probably get a morsel of troll gold out of it but it will mostly be empty. Even if they can read the language pretty well, chances are their typing speed will border on infuriating.

Comparatively, they are most like:

Old dumb turtles who can't type properly because of their flippers


ICDC:
What exactly is it?
The ICDC is when a person disconnects you sporadically and often leaves without any legitimate reasons. Typically, these aloof and fickle creatures tend to zip out of conversation the moment you try to speak to them or sometimes after the ‘hello’ part. They have to be either bored telepathics that can read your mind through the internet in an instant or maybe they are just dumb children happily clicking the disconnect button over and over to make all the words come and go.

Telltale syntax:
“Your conversational partner has disconnected.”

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
None. An ICDC can only be identified after it has disconnected. They are impossible to troll.

Comparatively, they are most like:

A legendary Pokemon that flees not only battles, but conversation


The Nothings:
What exactly is it?
The Nothings are people who just cease to exist before or during conversation. They are the ghostly apparitions of possible Strangers but never type a single message back to you. They either never type to you, or they just stop talking during conversation. It is strange that they never type to you because the only way someone can find a Stranger on Omegle is to manually hit a few buttons. There is no automatic chat jumping function unless you are a bot or haxxorz.

Telltale syntax:
“                         “

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
None, unless you manage to say something particularly witty about their absence and copy’n paste it into another conversation for the laughs. But all in all, you can’t troll what doesn’t exist.

Comparatively, they are most like:

Charlie Sheen’s dignity aka Nothing


Bigoted Asshole:
What exactly is it?
The Bigoted Asshole is exactly that. They possess beliefs that are unconventional, irrational to the point of infuriation and are unwilling to listen to any points that you raise. This is a tricky definition as a bigoted asshole has to completely dismiss your argument and make hypocritical statements back that somehow justify their belief system without ever attempting to weigh the facts.

Telltale syntax:
-Unending swears
-Racial slurs, use of cliché`s
-Empty threats about how they will find you and kill you
-Dismisses all hypocritical statements

Example of content:

I never did get to find any actual imagecaps for your entertainment, but I'll provide an excerpt I have saved from a previous conversation. I might find a screen cap at a later date!

Act 2 scene 2
Enter You and Stranger

You: I am a lawyer

You: What are you?

Stranger: Suck my dick

You: YES

You: I mean

You: Wait

You: There's money involved, right?

Stranger: You better not be gay

You: Because that is wha-

You: The fuck

You: You tell me to suck your dick

You: Then goddamn go all homophobic on me

You: SON

You: I AM SO

You: DISAPPOINTED

Stranger: Dude

Stranger: I was expecting a chick

You: Well

You: Keep looking, brotha

Stranger: You better not be black too

You: ...

You: Shit

You: SHIT

You: SHIIIIIIIIT

You: And I can't enrage you further

Stranger: Ayt ayt

You: A'ight

You: Any hole's a goal

Stranger: That's so gay

You: Dude

You: It's so awesome

Stranger: I knew it you are gay!

Stranger: I'm so pissed right now

You: Yessssssss

Stranger: I hate you!

You: MISSION: SUCCESS

You: SUCCESS

You: And by success

You: I mean GAY

You: GAYYYYYYYY

Stranger: I'm gonna burn your house

You: That's so awesome

You: I could use the insurance money to buy a better and bigger house

Stranger: You're freaking black too aren't you???

You: ;D

Stranger: You asshole!!

You: Asshole schmasshole

You: ....

You: MASSHOLE

You: ITS A HOLE

You: THEREFORE

You: A GOAL

Stranger: Ima kill you!!

You: Rarrr!

Stranger: You have a dildo stuck up your ass ryt now don't you?

You: Sadly no

You: If I did I wouldn't be on here looking for gay people to virtually wank with

You: Forever

You: Into infinity

You: And ever

You: I'm also Muslim, btw

Stranger: I just punched my sister in the face ryt now cuz I got so pissed

You: Why'd you stop?

You: Usually you continue punching her

You: Forever

You: into infinity

You: And ever

Stranger: Freaking racist! Theres nothing wrong being muslim!

You: And there's nothing wrong with gays!

You: And blacks!

You: DAW

You: REFUTED

You: YOU HAVE BEEN

You: REFOOOOOOOOTED

Stranger: There is!!!

Stranger: They should die !!

You: REFAWDWATAWTEED

Stranger: You should die!

You: Also Muslims aren't a race

You: That's like calling the Jews or Christinas a race

You: It's a belief, a doctrine of religious teachings

You: Goddamn

You: YOU'RE THE CLOSET RACIST

You: Come out of the closet

Stranger: Screw you! I will not be educated by a black gay asshole!

You: Who is muslim

You: With a hypothetical dildo

You: Inserted

You: Within

You: My pulsating rectum

You: Forever

Stranger: WTF!!!

You: I win again!

Stranger: You're messed up dude!

You: Dude

Stranger: Get checked up!!

You: You thought muslims were a race

You: You SUGGESTED the fact I had the dildo up my arse

You: And you belief certain types of people need to die

You: You know who I think you are

You: Osama Bin HITLER

Stranger: Suck my dick you asshole!

You: That's a gay remark

You: You do realize that

You: So gay

This keeps on going on and on forever. I am so giddy with laughter and superiority that I keep on making typos.

Exeunt

Trolling gain:
This is a spicy banquet for the delighted troll. The Bigoted Asshole’s rage will keep them arguing blindly and making more and more hypocritical and batshit crazy statements that the calm and chuckling troll can easily pick apart and add more gasoline to the fire. This situation will continue until one party gets bored. However, the experience will leave the troll superior.

Comparatively, they are most like:

Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


Multifarious Troll:
What exactly is it?
This is someone who is on Omegle to mess with other people without breaking their character. They are here for fun and will remain in conversation with someone who is either being led into a troll trap or when they encounter another person trolling. When two trolls meet they will either leave to find other suckers or have the most insane conversation in history. If you try to flow into a decent conversation with them your attempt will be futile. Chances are they’ll either continue with their rampant firebreath or you will be horribly betrayed later when they scream “YOU’RE BEING DISCONNECTED, ASSHOLE”

Telltale syntax:
-Insane troll logic
-Attacking beliefs
-Being sexually depraved
-The use of various internet memes
-Bad grammar but with intelligence behind it
-Good grammar with damaged sanity behind it

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
There is a chance that the insane conversation will provide some chuckling due to the absurdity of the nature but most likely no gain unless one of the trolls is a vastly more skillful troll. Ever heard the term ‘Trolls trolling trolls’?

Comparatively, they are most like:

Awesome fucking awesome troll being fucking awesome fuck fuck~


An Intelligent Being:
What exactly is it?
Should you encounter an AIB you will have a miraculous conversation. You will be talking to one of the few sane people on Omegle. You and this other would have possibly traveled and trialed through the sludge that is the Omegle communities in order to finally have fate bring you two together. You will discuss the silliness of the generics, the harshness of the trolls and the dumbness of the dumbasses. It will be a warm, welcoming and long conversation. Your hate finally reaches the catharsis: this is the conversation you’ve been looking for.

Telltale syntax:
-Pleasurable use of capitals
-Discussion of proper grammar and spelling
-Discussion of intellectual status which is that above all other said Omegle demographics
-Natural transgression of conversation into detailing age, sex and location
-Bliss

Example of content:

Trolling gain:
If you have been randomly trolling, this is the type of person who would stick to you. This is the type that will brave your psycho-blabberings in order to have a decent conversation with someone. More often than not you will accede your webpage rampage in order to experience this sacred moment in time and space – the moment where you meet someone as intelligent, coherent, frustrated and longing as you. Trolling this type of person, unless masterfully, will leave one hollow. The search for intelligence will begin again right after the disconnection. You will value the next coherent person you encounter after that.

Comparatively, they are most like:

An indescribable and inconceivable miracle


Closing thoughts:

Omegle is truly a pretty rancid place to go to. The rewards are in direct disproportion to the amount of clicking needed to disconnect over and over until the holy grail of conversations dawn onto you. Friends will be little and far between and by god, I have restrained myself with the Pokémon references. Also, I love how Word recognizes Pokémon as a word.

All in all, go on Omegle if you dare. You may encounter me and my horrible blitherings – or a like-minded soul. But know, deep down, we are on the search for beauty in a chaotically primeval whirlwind of communication.

Also I didn't say 'goddamn' once! Amazing!

Fare well

Armageddon Expo – First impressions and experiences

It’s not often that I go out to awesome things. AVCON, also known as Anime and Video Game Convention, is the only venue I know of in my city that brings together the sweaty nerds and cosplayers as one big happy dysfunctional family. The last two years had been disappointments for my friends and I had found those times to be average. But this year heralded the Armageddon Expo, a place of celebrities, wonder and beauty that AVCON didn’t have.  And as such I went on many social adventures, some bountiful and some tragic. I’ll tell this in a series of episodes because then that’d make this block of text much easier to read. There's also an unhealthy dose of pictures so be prepared!

1. Into The Lions Maw

Imagine this, but with more spikey and colourful wigs.

I bought my two days worth of tickets and found myself within the convention area. It was pretty large and reminded me of hangars where heroes defeated villains while blowing shit up. I felt at peace. I managed to easily find this place by following the crowds of cosplayers meandering their way to and from the nearby food emporiums. I deduced that the food inside the actual convention would’ve cost a fair price. I begin a walk taking in all my surroundings. People were getting photos with a Darth Vader, a Storm Trooper and also a Master Chief because why the hell not. I made my way looking around blindly, just hoping that I will find someone familiar. I then felt a bunch in the boob.

2. Hey People I know

Needs more impossibly large swords.

“I PUNCHED YOU IN THE BOOB” bellowed James, someone I had recognised. I nursed my throbbing boob hoping that it’d heal quicker. I learned that the only other person I could recognise was Kira. Both Kira and James were cosplaying. Kira was dressed some lady from Kingdom Hearts that only she seemed to know about while James was some sort of white-haired loner character from Bleach. I look around at this point and notice someone on the second floor of a room on the side of the convention centre. They wore strange, yet almost futuristic attire.
“What are they dressed as?” I inquired to James.
“They’re wearing a hat. They must be a Pokemon trainer.” I looked at James quizzically. There was a small silent pause and then he just echoed “A Pokemon trainer”. I realized if I valued the posterity of my other boob, I’ll just agree with him. I met a bunch of other people who knew Kira and James.

3. The Thinkening

THIS IS MY TRUE POWER.

It was then I made my plans. I would scope out the entire place and learn who was ready for autographs. I was to get my autographs from: John Rhys-Davies who is also known as Gimli from Lord of the Rings, or also known as that funny Arab guy from Indiana Jones or the professor from Sliders. I was also to get Renee O’Connors autograph because HOLY SHIT RENEE O’CONNOR. THAT’S GABRIELLE FROM XENA.

THY SHIT IS HOLY

I was also thinking of getting Hudson Leick’s autograph because she was from Xena too. She played Callisto who is this crazy girl.

YEARRrhahararajraheheheheh

4. On The Hunt

"How about a right ol' game of Jumanji ol' chap?"

I departed away from the social group and made my way over to the celebrity panel and saw that John was already signing. I went over to the ticket booth and asked for an autograph ticket. The thirty dollar ticket was held to me as if my life depended on it. Also, deep within the bowels of my mind doubt was swimming. Was thirty dollars worth an autograph? Probably not. But my emotions took over my rationale. I needed this autograph.

5. An Unprecedented Hitch

Will this pun work?

I made my way over to John but noticed there was a rope across. It read ‘Closed’. ‘Perfect fucking timing’ I though. I then went to look for friends but instead wandered, looking at all the overpriced merchandise and cosplayers. Some were dressed pretty shoddily and inappropriately. Others looked pretty good. Especially that girl who had one strap across her boobs to act as a shirt. You could see her underboob. I looked at every chance I could.

I'm looking right now. We're looking right now.

The worst thing about cosplayers is trying to tell whether some of them are male or female. The difference between an obese male and a plump female are very little, especially with wispy hair and face makeup when dressed as Anime characters. These people made me feel uncomfortable, mostly because they all had

katanas.

Okay, you don't look like a girl Inuyasha. Wait, I mean-

6. The Best Part Of The Day

Genuine smile time!

There was a point however where I saw someone dressed in something that took me a few seconds to realize. Not because I had difficulty recognising them, but because of the initial shock.

This guy was dressed as Dave Strider.

I'm just regular old Dave from the fucking present.

All I could do was watch, utterly speechless. 

Dave Strider. In my city? THIS MAN KNOWS OF THE GLORIOUS WEBCOMIC.

In my excitement, as well as fear, I made away from him. What happened in my mind next was rather strange. I tried to think of all these ways I could approach him, say hello, maybe find out their username and keep in touch. Us fans gotta stick together.

It was only later that I realized that what I was doing in my mind was essentially coming up with pick-up lines. I then felt hesitant and every time I saw this person dressed as Dave, I would attempt to call out to him

“Dave...”

But I couldn’t get loud enough to signal his alarm for I felt that uttering his name too loudly would behold disastrous consequences. Finding a fellow fan seemed sacred as well as delicate.

Later I did manage to meet him. I told Kira that Dave Strider was among us and spoke of the rarity of his breed. She then pulled me into a conversation with him.

“Homestuck fan?” Is what I could remember saying.

“FINALLY” He screamed. Then a fulfilling yet quick discussion took place with a thousand references. It ended gloriously just like this.

It was then we left paths. Well, kinda. He still hung around in the convention centre and we’d awkwardly acknowledge each other in the style of a Stare Standoff. But that was pretty hard to do as he had sunglasses on but I felt it.

7. Then A Bunch Of Boring Stuff Happened

You yawned looking at this, didn't you?

Yeah.

8. An Encounter Of The Famous Kind

"And my axe!"

John Rhys-Davies was back in his seat signing away and I was in line, conversing with this lady who was a big fan of everything I can think of. She was obviously excited about meeting John. After her turn came mine and it was time for me to ask the big (but portrayed small) man a few things. This is only as I can remember the situation:

“Hi John. Wow, I feel giddy. How are you? How’s Adelaide?” I say as I am shaking his hand.
“I love Adelaide, it’s a good place.” I feel doubtful that Adelaide is great, but his soothing and educated voice eased me and I was able to converse easier. We talked for about a minute and he began signing the autograph  for a friend of mine who is REALLY into LOTR like you wouldn’t even believe. I take that the conversation is going smoothly, even with my slight nervousness.

“So what do you do?” asks John. His velvet voice reaffirming the calmness he seemed to send into my very being.
“Oh, I’m a student” I reply. “I was once trying to be an actor but I kinda of, uh, failed miserably and decided to stop trying” I say, scratching the back of my neck.
“Yeah, well , there are many better jobs than acting” He replies, not missing a beat, “So, what are you planning to do now?”
“I was thinking of, maybe, writing.” He then gave me this look. It was a ‘Are you serious?’ kind of look mixed with a serious amount of doubt. I felt his sagely wisdom bear down on me like a great heavy boulder that I am vainly trying to lift off my crushed hopes and dreams. He then leans over and engages in a discussion with Karen Allen next to him about them being deserted on a deserted island and writing a TV script. I barely hear a goddamn thing they say so I smile and nod.
“Thanks for that, John” I say and head off. “Goodluck with your day.” He smiles and waves, probably not hearing a thing I said.

The man we all wish we could be.

9. There Was Professional Wrestling

Remember, it's not fake if you bleed.

And it was pretty exciting for me. I feel the memories of people falling from a giant suspended fist to Goldust and his movies flood into my mind. I watch the titanic yet amateur wrestlers engage in combat. I enjoy this display of battle.
“My favourite guy is in the purply pants” I say to James, while wondering whether purply is even a word to describe it.
“That’s not purple, that’s magenta” he replied, concentrated on other matters such as perusing the wares of various stalls.
“Magenta?” I retort, “Don’t you mean, MAN-GENTA?” My pun fell on deaf ears. After the wrestling we headed away from the ring and on the way  I saw the pokemon cosplayer. I say to James:
“Do pokemon trainers use guns?” The cosplayer wondered off toting a large plastic uzi-styled gun.

10. He Was Actually Not A Pokemon Trainer

He was cosplaying as the protagonist in Cave Story!

My mind was fucking blown!

11. There Was This Fourteen-Year Old Girl Who Was Into Yaoi

Yo, yaoi's yaoimmy!

And she danced the carmadellsan pretty poorly too. I felt uncomfortable. I was in the glass room that I saw the Cave Story cosplayer in earlier. It was pretty loud as at least twelve people danced the carmadellsan. My head almost throbbed. I growled in disappointment.

12. I high-fived Darth Vader

"Too..... *breathe*.... slow....*breathe*"

Hey, while we’re doing small awesome events.

13. So Then I Met Callisto

"I am rather coherent in real life!"

And by that I mean Hudson Leick. She had no line going up to her and someone was giving her a brain massage. She looked worn. I bought another thirty dollar autograph ticket (Whyyyy?) and approached her. This is probably the best conversation I had with any of the celebrities. The awkwardity passed quickly and we were in conversation. I learned that she loved being the crazy character of Callisto and she is a fan of Legend of Zelda. I almost shit my pants at that point. I got fist bumps from her after that comment. She was very friendly and happy and commented that Adelaide was a pretty nice place. She also told me that Australian guys don’t maintain eye contact and really, she, and pretty much all females, likes guys that have good eye contact. She said I maintained good eye contact. I had to contain the personal explosion within the depths of my mind.

"Join me, and we will destroy Xena togetherrrasrjkrhrsHHEehehhehe"

The conversation had to break because someone wanted an autograph. I got mine addressed to Mum because she is way more into Xena than I am. I left that conversation content. She had someone massage her brain again.

14. There Was This Really Fat Guy

Dear god was he fat

15. I Did Plenty Of Wandering With Kira And James

This picture doesn't reflect the episode at all! Call my agent.

There was a lot of overpriced things that made me almost buy them. An L wallet? An L keyring? Goddamn it, do they know their market well. But as my friends did a second round I got really bored and grew sympathetic of the nearby stands. There was a guy staring into nothingness so I approached him.
“I saw you were looking bored, so I thought I’d pop over and ask a few questions” He laughed awkwardly. The conversation was mine. We discussed his stall, which was pretty much a springboard into digital and interactive courses. I left when someone else approached, knowing I did well. I then approached  a second bored stall guy and tried to have a conversation. However, I didn’t have the edge as the conversation kept on falling into nothingness and I had to say “Hmmm, yeah” and try to tack on recycled subjects I had with the other guy. I left instantly when people approached inquiring about the Australian manga, with me saying “Dear God where have my friends gone? Seeya!”

16. Free Autographs

Sign me up!

So I totally met the guy who did the voice of Teen Gohan. He is also the announcer of DBZ so I half jizzed in nostalgia. There was this music creator guy who was said to create virtually every modern video game and anime theme song. I had a half-conversation half-awkward-moment-of-silence with this bloke of esteemed claim. There was this voice actor lady who did the voice for someone in an anime about vampires that I never heard of. Finally there was the guy who did the voice of the Grandpa in Ben 10. I had a small and pleasant conversation with him and managed to get him to address his autograph to my kid-neighbour who will forever be in my debt over this.

Final Boss: Renee O’Connor

"What is a fan? A miserable little pile of signatures!
But enough talk, next in line!"

I couldn’t recognise her at first but as I looked the features came into view. Then i saw the poster behind her blatantly validating that this was Gabrielle from Xena. I bought my final ticket, cringing as I handed over my money. I hoped it would be good. I walked over to Renee’s desk and began conversation. I started off generic, saying how much I enjoyed Xena as a child and growing up. However, I felt I  was continuously waning in conversation and that she was rapidly losing interesting and getting bored. I then inquired about how she became an actor for the series. She told me that she started off in a small community theatre group and worked her way up from there. I got a phone call. I answered it.
“Can’t talk. Talking to Gabrielle”
“What?!?!” came my sisters voice. I hung up and continued conversation. It ended shortly and I felt slightly dissatisfied that the conversation didn’t go well but as I said goodbye and left I rationalized that she was tired, and that on better days she would’ve been more bright. I didn’t leave with an A+ on my social score, but at least I passed. Today was a good day.

Mmmmm.