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| A toilet in its natural habitat feasts on human flesh |
“So what?” says the average average-public-toilet user. “They don’t own us. We own them. For god’s sake, we shit and piss into their gaping maw and force them to swallow our mess down their gurgling throats”. But that’s where this demographic is completely and utterly wrong to such a degree that I am forced to flaunt my ability to type things in italics.
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| You ignorant little shit, let me enlighten you |
All of toilet-kind has been trying to fuck humanities shit up since their invention and not just flush it down. Do not even try to argue back that they are inanimate and poor-celain vessels of a greater cause to help poorly timed digestive systems everywhere. These are war machines designed by demon-daVinci and endorsed by the Dr Kevorkian ethics committee.
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| A family does their yearly sacrifice to Emperor Flushington |
According to Wikipedia article toilets have been trying to wipe out humanity at many consistent intervals. For one, toilets can and will forge an alliance with all sorts of deathslick venomspiders in an effort to murder you while you do your business. Outhouses? Pfft. More like Slaughterhouses. If you ever found yourself having a need to relieve yourself in the country you’d learn very quickly about the eight-legged nightmares waiting for you under the seat. Toilets also have the ability to lead you into hypnosis-induced injury. There was also one famous account in the Wikipedia article of a toilet-related massacre (where the killing was done by toilets!). And also some kings died too. Talk about a royal flush.
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| The toilet-based puns will never stop |
“King Wenceslaus III of Bohemia was on August 4, 1306 murdered by spear while sitting in the garderobe.”
Holy shit. Where did that toilet get that spear from to murder 1306 people!? Are you taking notes on this? Get a fucking pen.
“George II of Great Britain died on the toilet on October 25, 1760 from an aortic dissection.”
Oh my slimy shitting Satan. The toilet did not only slay another king while doing his business, but also made 1760 people bleed from within their hearts until they died slowly and painfully.
May I also say that Elvis also died on the toilet? The reason why he was pepped up with so many drugs is because he could barely handle going to the toilet anymore. They got him in the end, silencing another voice of hope.
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| Most of the time he just held it in |
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| Or better yet - just take a duke on your next trip |
That’s enough about the shadowy, bloody history of toilets and the horrible truths we must face in this Terroreality. I am here to teach you about how to survive any outing into a public toilet. And also how to deal with the ‘public’ aspect.
What of public toilets? -
As I said, all toilets are rather dangerous things. The public toilet manages to trump home toilets because of its lack of familiarity and filthy nature. Perhaps your home bathroom doesn’t have an ever-growing cluster of dead locusts twitching on your tiled floor*. Maybe at home you don’t need to feel anxious when an extroverted stranger is being extroverted about their bowels. It is the comfortable experience of the home toilet – comparatively - that keeps you sane. When push comes to involuntary push, you will usually be crapping yourself at the moment when you have to bite the bullet and venture into the public restroom.
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| You skimmed this article, DIDN’T YOU?! |
*Has actually happened to me
Prepare your path -
Don’t get caught with your pants down without a plan. If you regularly venture into familiar territory get to know the common bathrooms. Find the one that is underrated and visited less often, that is regularly cleaned, features amusing graffiti and permeates a smell you can tolerate for at least five minutes. That way at least you know where to go for an almost slightly average experience. Communal toilets are standard fodder but finding you a sparkling single-roomed unisex toilet is a gold mine. It would also be a good idea to learn of where you are able to use the toilet for free in certain bars and stores. If you ever find a place where you need to pay for a permit in those desperate moments you would be irritably cursing yourself if you weren’t already cursed with your irritable excrement system.
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| You don’t want to end up in a bathroom like this |
Choosing your cell -
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| I suddenly don’t need to go anymore! |
There are always times when you really need to go however. But always, and I repeat: always keep an eye out for premium toilets and other options at least. There is a big difference between holding out for a little longer to stumble upon a disabled toilet (the way you stumble into there will keep people from asking questions) or admitting defeat and settling for that place in a public park with a ‘Free Rape’ sign on the front. The advantage goes to the warrior who picks their battleground.
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| Better you go to them than let them come to you |
Assessing the asylum -
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| Yep. Let’s not use this one shall we? |
A quick appraisal of the lavatory that you have entered would no doubt prove invaluable. Look about for a private clean and acceptable area to do your business. The setting can definitely change the nature of the toilet you have entered. A bar half way through their Saturday night would no doubt have at least one toilet full of piss and vomit that only gets fuller with any attempt to flush it. The floor would be mostly wet and sometimes sticky (ew). The male toilets would have half surly half drunk men missing their piss-troughs and never washing their hands. No, really. Every time I’ve gone out no males wash their fucking hands. Whatever happened to basic hygiene? Why haven’t they died from their diseases? Do they think the smell of their dicks on their hands will land them a date better? Whatever the logic is, I am sure to find it heavily laden with flaws and false advice given to them by friends who secretly hate them.
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| Fill her bathtub up with weevils |
Dealing with Demographics -
There are many types of individuals that you will encounter during your trek into the public restroom. And by a holy fuck, you’re going to hate nine out of every ten of them. Why? Because they’re all trying to conquer the toilet. Even though the typical public toilet seems to be a completely neutral and perceptibly ownerless space it doesn’t stop assholes from trying to mark their territory in some kind of zealous campaign. Instead of going into profiles of who you could encounter I figure I will just list the actual encounters.
1. The Intimi-date
There are times when you enter into the restroom that you instantly regret it. Oh hey, there’s some guy in here carrying around spines. Fresh spines. He looks familiar. You pretend to not notice him. There is also a biker with what you hope is a really big, throbbing, erect gun in his pocket. You really really hope that it is a gun. Everyone present silently watches you walk to the stall. You open the door to go in only to be interrupted by the sight of a dead mule as its limp body tumbles out. It is at this moment which comes as the greatest shock of all. You realize that this is meant to be the female toilets.
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| What a twist! |
The Intimi-date is any venture into a public toilet that instantly puts you on edge. It could be a rough looking person, a familiar face you’d rather not encounter, the smell of dead things, the demonic circle on the ceiling or the animated shadow that you can only see in the mirror. If the place looks pretty sketchy the best way to avoid the room is to change your objective: fix yourself up in the mirror and walk out after a few seconds. Do not force yourself to dedicate if it is not worth it.
2. Soap Nope
This happens when you walk up to the soap dispenser and there is no soap left. None. And you leave feeling sick. You just used a public toilet. A public toilet. And didn’t wash your hands. How did that happen? Well, chances are there’ll be plentiful globs of liquid soap dribbling down the wall and pooling on the floor. Looks like some dope has been messing with the soap! You have been denied the soap by the collective effort of a bunch of mouth-breathers.
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| “I’ll wash my hands with anything” |
3. Water Wizardry
Notice those specs of water on the mirror? What about the dampness of the handles? The puddle on the floor? Or at least, you hope all of that is water. Water Wizardry occurs when someone obviously hasn’t dried their hands, or have just flicked them a few times without bothering with paper towels or air-dry. It is also possible for such people to have spilt the water or to be dripping water like at public beach toilets. Although this isn’t directly antagonizing, the fact that there is some kind of liquid everywhere in a fucking toilet really unsettles the bravest of us.
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| If the liquid is coloured, all the more reason to avoid it |
4. Shit Talking
No one wants to talk to each other in a bathroom. The mind set is there that you are trying to navigate to a private space and to relieve yourself in peace. There are some characters that manage to strike up conversation over the most useless and inane things. The act is known as shit talking – when the talking isn’t necessary. “Oh, I think there’s a skull in the bowl of toilet three” is useful. As is “This is a voting booth and not a toilet. This is your last warning”. However, if someone talks to you while you’re at the urinal, well, grit and bear with it.
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| “The Jamaican said ‘My name’s Sal, Mon’ – so I ate him." |
Probably one of the worst things to encounter. There are many different kinds of materials for artists to work with in all sorts of environments. The toilet is no exception. Some people, being shameless agents of The Infernal Gross One subject themselves to their urges to scrawl all over the walls with various forms of marker. Sometimes this marker can be excrement.
Yes. It happens. I have heard tales from all over the world. There seems to be two factors that are persistent with these behaviours. The Artist’s Canvas occurs in places that serve vast quantities of alcohol, as well as primary schools. Correlation? Probably. But the tales and experiences either stem from unpleasant primary school memories and alleged cricket matches. One such anecdote comes from a friend who proclaims that, during a cricket match break, he walked into the restroom only to view a wall-encompassing shitcraft. A crudely appropriated expression of the artist. The word ‘Cricket’ written across a large wall, scrawled, entirely, in shit. He walked out.
That concludes this lesson.
Doing the Deed -
Do I even need to speak about this part? I’m sure you’ve practised a bit at home before heading out into the real world. I’m sure you can tough through it and survive. Just... don’t stuff it up.
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| WHOOPS |
Decontaminating the Digits -
Wash your hands, you filthy animal.
Leave the Lavatory -
It’s... over?
It is finally over.
You survived. We... we survived. We lived to tell the tale.
We overcame impossible odds.
You made it in. You survived the cubicruelty of this hellish torment. The auxiliary-aided utmost anguish and agony of the antagonistic anathema aura of this place.
We did what we needed to do. We... you...
You did it all.
You saved us all
I...
I don’t know how to thank you... I guess...
I guess I can give you
This
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| SLOPPY MAKEOUTS |
An extremely amusing, cleverly-written and above-all helpful guide to the unholy terror that is the toilet. You need to write for Cracked.
ReplyDeleteDEM PUNS AND FILENAMES. Well done, Rohan!