Walks and Strangers

You have just gone for a walk. 

Perhaps it’s a walk to the local park, to the shops, to visit your friends, or to stalk your ex. It’s long and tedious and you’re probably doing something illegal. You’ve been cruising along solo for about a good five minutes when – suddenly – you see a stranger making their way towards you.

  

And then you start to sort of freak out.

ohgodohmanohgodohmanohgodohmanohgod

You approach the stranger in what seems like slow motion. You feel every breath, every heart beat. Irrational thoughts skip across the waves of anxiety like smooth pebbles over the ocean of emotion. Your brain is drowning in the possibilities and you are wet with sweat and urine.

I call this the One Stranger Experience. Go for a walk through a crowded place and things are fine. Everyone is occupied, in a hurry and on their merry way. Even to other people you are just one of many in a crowd. But once you go for that walk where you end up encountering a single person on an otherwise deserted street it changes everything. It makes things personal. You’d just want the experience to be goddamn over once it starts. What are we meant to do in those situations? I remember absolutely nothing teaching us in school or at home about the proper conduct of on-street communications.

After conducting the test, Mr Jelowless learned exactly why his classroom smelt like piss all the time.

Well, that’s what this blog post is here for. What do you do?

1.        

      1. Walk straight on ahead – look forward

This is probably one of the most effective methods in dealing with street strangers. You look determined, stalwart and on the move. You have the look that simply says ‘I do not have any time for your bullshit’. It can be a hard method for some to manage because of its impersonal stance and unfriendly approach.

Pull this face. Nobody will fuck with you.

2. Walk straight on ahead – gaze at nearby landmarks

If you find yourself in an area where you can marvel the lush flora or any spectacle at all you will avoid the dreaded eye contact. This could backfire if you happen to look at somebody's home and they happen to be looking at you. Then you get into a Stare Standoff which is another social element I’ll explain in a later post.

Uh.

3.      3. Walk straight on ahead – fiddle with mobile

By taking out your mobile and pretending to be popular you can effectively avoid the anxiety of this encounter. You’re occupied with your mobile, see? Checking the time, texting friends, calling your dealer. The possibilities leave you scot-free!

It's better than that piddle app.

4.      4. Stop existing

This is a really hard technique to pull off. It is not certain if anyone has pulled this technique off as their existence is wiped from history from doing such an act.

5.      5. Cross the street 

This is a very risky move. Depending on the race of you and the stranger this act can be interpreted as terribly racist and you might get filmed on A Current Affair wherein your reputation will be ravaged. Unless you are a racist or actually do need to cross the street, avoid this technique.

From when walking across the street becomes running across the street.

  

6.      6. Greet stranger as you pass

This is a technique that is very iffy and requires a lot of attention. The other methods of avoiding the stranger require you to not make any social contact at all. This method is usually a desired choice for those who dislike the approach of .1, as this can satisfy those friendly urges. However, keep in mind the cost of your actions. Saying hello puts out an invitation to start a connection. If the stranger is talkative, easily distracted, sexually attracted to your hair or bored they might join you on your walk. This is a constant fear and if the situation ever arises, gods help you and so much for that ‘solitary’ walk.

There are instances where this option is unavoidable as the stranger says hello first. The most oft and effective method for when the stranger says hello is to grunt in acknowledgement but with the tone of a greeting. For example:

"G'day"

"WRghanHAh"

The key here is to be quick and to make sure you don’t say good morning or afternoon; the grunt will just be passed off as the intended greeting if you are up to speed. If you botch the greeting and say ‘good morning’ when it is actually in the afternoon - then congratulations. You just made yourself look like an idiot in front of a complete stranger and you’ll carry this failure with you for the entirety of your existence.

You just had to throw your whole goddamn life away.

The speed to which you walk is the key to a successful grunt. It is an almost essential technique that must be utilized and especially in Australian society where ‘How’re ya going?’ is a formal greeting. Honestly, what are you meant to say to a passing stranger who says that? By the time you hear the words leaving their moist supple lips you are poised with a question.

How are you actually going? 

By the time you think of a reply and try to utter your carefully constructed words, the stranger has sped past you. You talk to the air as the stranger disappears leaving you with an empty feeling. You didn’t answer their question. 

What kind of horrible person are you? You fucking sicken me. 

Hence, the grunt is a popular option and with a speedy delivery your encounter should go like clockwork. Even if the stranger realises you grunted at them in a merry tone you’ll be too far off to be called a caveman.

That’s all for my small expository on the One Stranger Experience during this instance in our social lives. I hope you enjoyed the pictures I drew in MS Paint. Yeah, I drew all of those. Feel free to use them for whatever purpose. The cramping in my hand is a reward in itself and I think I should try to bed it early tonight. Goodluck to me.

Anyways, peace out.