Junk Mail

I can’t sleep again. And you know what that means? I'll actually type out an article!

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, I have some half-written articles in the works. It’s just I need some driving force to make me do work. Such as sleep deprivation and it’s delusions making me type this.

So here's a collection of funny things I have found in my junk mail accompanied with my own comments.

Well, I found it funny. Mostly because of spelling errors and no sense makey.

~

From:  מיטל מיטל

hello friend and talk to me on msnessengar madison20sweet@hotmail.com im on all night ive seen your picatures posted up totally want to get to know you more

The information transmitted in this e-mail, including attachments, contains confidential information belonging to the sender and is legally privileged. This information is intended only for the use of the individual or entity named above. All persons are advised that they may face penalties under state and federal law for sharing this information with unauthorized individuals. If you have received this transmission by mistake, you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution, or action taken in reliance on the contents of these documents is strictly prohibited. If you have received this transmission in error, please reply to the sender to arrange for remedy of this situation and then immediately delete the entire message including any attachments.

You will tell him, because I would, if I were in your place,
and had to call two or three times before she awoke.

Comments:

So starting at the name it’s easy to tell this ain't normal at all. Maybe if the person sent the email using an English name I might not regard it as spam the moment my eyes glazed over the goddamn sender. What language do those characters even freaking belong to?

The lack of punctuation and poor English turns me off instantly. 'msnessenger'? The goddamn word 'Messenger' is right next to the goddamn 'Hotmail' button at the top of the page. And yes I checked, their account uses hotmail. I am also scared by the prospect of this person looking at my 'picatures' and then suddenly taking an interest in me. If this was a real scenario and this person based people on looks, I’d really rather not want to meet them. 

This big legal disclaimer in the middle obviously is made to scare me into replying so I don't feel like an accessory to some shitty faux-law smack dab in the middle of this poorly composed email. I take it that this has been copied and pasted from one of 7U7u77U'N's friends who gave a fuck during their English lessons in high school. The next paragraph looks CTRL+V’d as well.

This third paragraph is the kicker. It has absolutely no bearing on the email whatsoever and I think it's a ploy that's meant to confuse the hell out of whoever reads it, just to elicit a '....what?' response. 'And had to call two or three times before she awoke.'? What am I even meant to think?

"SO YOU AWAKE HOW ABOUT DEM PICATURES?"

  

From: johnfrank mower

Dear Sir or Madam:

    Please forgive us to disturb your precious time !

Welcome to visit our *HOME-PAGE* : http:/www.easy-ship.org 

brand shoes,bags and clothes.more autumn clothes waiting for you.

◆The best service   ◆Quick delivery

◆Competitive price  ◆A large selection of merchandise

More information,please visit my online shipping store.

Best wishes! :⊙

Comments:

It is in this email I feel a smidgen of sympathy for this person, even if they are trying to confirm my email for their spamming database and phish for all my money. Here you can plainly see an attempt to be somewhat coherent and friendly. See, they apologised for the email, as if it was a telephone call interrupting me during my kegal exercises, or during a particularly tense Mexican stand-off or while being generally unproductive. See how personal this is? They try really hard. They even called me 'Sir or Madam', as if to say they are here to serve me.  Thankyou Mr Johnfrank Mower.

However, I cannot ignore shit when I smell it.

Comic Sans as the font. Comic Fucking Sans. If I were to write a resume, or major essay, a novel or even a goddamn pamphlet in Comic Sans I’d be exiled from society for my pompous douchebaggery. It is the ultimate faux pas in the textual world. I had a time in my younger days when I was all pro Comic  Sans. I was naive and it was like comic book text but better. It wasn’t. The intoxicatingly atrocious stains that are used to suck me into their ‘Easy-Ship’, which could be a whore-cruise if I stopped reading there, stand out as the flaky zombie skin of the body of this email.

Did someone say whore?

I’ll finish here on the symbols. The diamonds I can compliment them on. But what in God’s name is at the end of this email? Is that meant to be a smiley? That deformed mouth with an eyeball lurking in it? I don’t know what to think anymore.

From: Myriam Col

hi there i was looking around people
in my area and came across your pics
youre super cute how about going on messenger
and adding my name on there its madison23adams@hotmail.com
im online right now so lets talk and exchange more pics
happy thanksgiving tomorrow be safe and good

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Madison
Date: Tue, Nov 22, 2010 at 9:55 PM
Subject:FW: This will give you chills, I scored 100
Fw: This will give you chills, I scored 100

 This will give you the chills.......

GOOD chills.

 A young man had been to Wednesday Night Bible

Study.

 

T he Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice

The young man couldn't help but wonder, 'Does God still speak to people?'

After service, he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message.

Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways.

It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home.

Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, 'God...If you still speak t o people, speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey.'

As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk.

He shook his head and said out loud, 'God is that you?' He didn't get a reply and started on toward home.

But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk.

The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli.

'Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk.' It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. 

He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home.

   

As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, 'Turn Down that street.'

  

This is crazy he thought, and drove on past the intersection.

Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street .

At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh.

Half jokingly, he said out loud,

'Okay, God, I will.'

Comme- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.

What is even up with this baffling piece of douche-canoe.

Okay so Myriam tells me I’m cute. Big deal.

She uses improper grammar, poor spelling. 

Grade: D-

Okay yeah, wishes me thanks giving. So far Myriam is generic. 

But, what the fuck is that? 

That thing , you know, that horrible mess hanging at the bottom?

Oh wait, I’m meant to answer that.

I think it’s meant to be disguised as a forwarded email which is what my now fogged brain is trying to reason.

But reading the actual content left me half empty. Is that the punchline? Is that what is meant to give me chills.....?

GOOD chills?

Actually it's only half of a Christian story.

http://www.gospelweb.net/Illustrations/BuyTheMilk.htm

I was absolutely gob-smacked at the work of this ‘Myriam’. They send an email, and copy + paste half a Christian  fictional short story that’s meant to give me chills and-

How the fuck is this meant to give me chills?

This is inane. I can’t contain my infuriation.

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